Deadpool Writes A Deadpool Fic
by GenericSpider
Summary: A great story about how I totally didn't kill Coulson; and we instead defeated Captain Hydra with help from Gwenpool and an army of flying dinosaurs! Not at all a cry for help from the dark depths of my troubled soul!


**Disclaimers: Are a waste of time.**

 **Totally Necessary Author's note: Hey! It's Deadpool again, this time writing about a franchise I actually care about: mine! I'm sick of writers always building me up with a chance to become a hero and be happy; and then having me fuck it up! So I'm writing my own story from now on! A nice, fun, light hearted Deadpool story where nothing bad happens! Let's begin, shall we?**

"Your daughter called him Uncle Phil!" said Agent Preston, as she began to beat the everloving shit out of our beloved, and entirely faultless hero.

Deadpool was dumbfounded as his old friend suddenly turned on him. Couldn't she see the truth? That he'd done nothing wrong? That he'd done exactly what was expected of him?

"Preston wait!" said Deadpool. "Before you tear off my limbs; throw me in a box; then stash the box with a pawn shop owner in a way that leaves it unclear whether you've permanently disposed of me; I have to tell you that Coulson is still alive!"

"LIAR!" said Preston, giving Deadpool another completely unfair punch to the face that he totally didn't deserve.

However, before the fight could escalate to the point where one of these two idiots would do something they regretted; they were interrupted!

Coulson stepped out of the bunker, totally alive and not dead cause Deadpool isn't a friend-betraying murderer in this story...or in real life! Honest!

"I managed to convince Wade not to kill me; and we decided to fake my demise to throw suspicion off of Deadpool!" said Coulson. "It was all part of our plan to find out if Cap was really brainwashed by Hydra!"

"Oh Coulson, I'm so glad you're alive and that my good friend Deadpool isn't a friend-betraying murderer!" said Agent Preston, hugging Coulson. "How could I have been such a fool?"

"I too, have been a fool!" said Shiklah, who was totally there the whole time guys really. "Oh Deadpool, Dracula's tiny, lifeless vampire dick isn't enough for me! Lets get remarried!"

"Oh Shiklah, I thought you'd never ask!" said Deadpool, putting an arm around her. "How about after we go kick Captain America's stupid brainwashed ass; we pick up Ellie; and go get some ice cream!"

"One problem with that one, Wade," said Coulson. "You killed me Wade. And writing this stupid fanfiction is never going to bring me back."

Wait what the fuck why did I type that? This is Deadpool's fanfiction where Deadpool didn't do that also since when are you a Fourth Wall breaker?

"Did you think you'd sit down and write yourself a nice universe where there's no blood on your hands, Wade?"

I don't need back talk from my stupid fanfic; Coulson. Come on, just go enjoy being alive and riding dinosaurs. There's dinosaurs next chapter, Coulson! Flying Dinosaurs! And Gwenpool shows up and we hang out and you're alive.

"Wade, this isn't some weird meta shit where the characters you created are talking to you," says Phil. "Wade. You're typing. Every. Single. Line. Of this."

It wasn't my fault, Phil. Cap made me do it! He was all evil and Hydra-y and how was I supposed to know I couldn't trust CAPTAIN FUCKING AMERICA?!

"Wade. The fact that you're typing all of this to yourself means that you know this is all bullshit."

Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up SHUT THE FUCK UP

I DID THE BEST I COULD FUCKING DO! I JUST WANTED TO BE A FUCKING HERO! AND THE WRITERS FUCKING TOOK IT FROM ME! THEY JUST COULDN'T LET ME BE HAPPY FOR A FEW MORE FUCKING ISSUES! CAN'T I HAVE THIS FANFICTION? CAN'T I HAVE ONE ESCAPE FROM THIS MISERABLE PILE OF GARBAGE THAT MY LIFE IS RIGHT NOW?

"Wade, you fucked up. And you fucked up badly," says Phil. "But I'm not here to rub your face in that. Instead, of writing this fic; aren't there some things you should try to make right?"

You know what, weird-representation-of-my-guilt-in-the-form-of-a-fanfic-version-of-Coulson; you're right! I've got to go find Elly; reassemble Agent Preston; bring Agent Coulson back from the dead somehow; and I guess learn the true meaning of Christmas or something!

"Actually, I was gonna say you should update Deadpool Writes A Transformers Fic already."

Ha ha ha, Go fuck yourself, Coulson.

 **A/N: Feel I should use this space to remind all you good folks that GenericSpider is only a sometimes reader of my comics. Despite reading every issue of Gwenpool. Et Tu, Spid-ay? Guess this means he hasn't read anything past that Secret Empire garbage. Or anything between it and my wedding. So if there are continuity errors in this fanfic that I TOTALLY wrote about my own life; it's totally that idiot's fault. Anyway, fanfic's over, so I'll leave you with these wise words: go buy Deadpool merc. And see my movie.**


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